All the self-help books and all the Christian guides and all the magazines are always talking about what a real man is. They don’t agree always – we all know there’s a lot of confusion today about what a real man is. The big debate right now is about empathy. Does a real man show and feel empathy for others? There’s a broad continuum on that issue, from “tough as nails” to “emotional puddle.” Whatever. Instead, how about we talk about what a real man is not.
First, a real man is not a doormat. If people walk all over you, grow up. You can’t let your wife or children or a boss, or your mother tell you what to do and how to do it and when to do it all the time. Take some leadership and know your own mind and stand firm for what is right and true. 1 Corinthians 16:13: Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.
Second, a real man is not a “know-it-all” jerk who won’t listen to advice or counsel. A real man is not deaf when brothers in the Lord or God’s Word or his wife have information, advice, counsel, wisdom, and insights to share. If you think you’ve got it all figured out, the first thing you need to figure out is that you don’t have it all figured out. The worst kind of ignorance is when you don’t know that you don’t know. Sometimes you need to shut up and listen, especially to your wife! God gave you that helpmate for a reason: to be a helpmate. (Thank you, Captain Obvious!) Proverbs 15:31: Whoever heeds life-giving correction will be at home among the wise.
If you see a contradiction between those first two, try thinking a little deeper. How do you know what is right and true? You know from God’s Word mostly, but also from those who speak into your life from your pastor to your godly friends to your wife, and sometimes even from your children.
Next, a real man is not afraid to show emotion. Get over yourself. Your wife and kids need to know you have a heart. Many of us were taught by the example of our fathers that the only socially respectable emotion is anger. Your kids need affection and so does your wife. You need to show compassion and grief and caring. Get real. Here’s a verse all of us blockheads can learn by heart: John 11:35: Jesus wept. If you think being an emotional block of ice is manly, are you claiming Jesus was a wimp? How about we finish with Paul: Romans 12:15: Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Next, a real man is not a dictator around the house. Just stop that. Yes, you’re to be the leader in your home, especially spiritually. But being a leader means being the first servant. You’re to love your wife as Christ loved the church, right? So here’s what Christ had to say about that: Mark 10:45: For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. This area of leadership is so misunderstood that we need to see the whole passage.
Mark 10: 42 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Stop lording it over your wife and kids. You are to be their servant. Don’t act like you get to control everything they do and think and just get to sit around like the king on a throne. Here are some suggestions about being a servant to your family:
- Do some housework. It wouldn’t kill you to vacuum, load/empty the dishwasher, clean a bathroom, pick up around the place. If you think doing such things will cost your man card, just remember that Christ got a rag and some clean water and Washed His Disciples FEET!
- Take your wife out once in a while. Spring for a baby sitter and do some dating. You use to enjoy that. Rediscover it. (You understand I mean with your wife, right?)
- Recognize your wife’s talents. That means out loud, you Neanderthal. Acknowledge what she is good at and why you admire it. If she’s better at something than you, let her do it. Some men think they have to handle the finances ‘cuz I’M THE MAN. But if she’s better at it than you, let her do it.
So don’t be THAT GUY! Be a real man, a “mensch,” in the language of my people. How about we walk away from clichés about manhood and our society’s values and actually do what the Word of God says. American social values used to portray Clint Eastwood as a real American man, or John Wayne: both were shut off emotionally, only showed anger, despised weakness, and figured every problem could be a solved with a six-shooter. Now too often our society wants girly-men who melt into puddles about their feelings and are ashamed of the masculine history of colonialism and abuse and oppression of women. See what I’m getting at? Society always gets it wrong. How about we try to live Biblically instead?
Written By: Tim Barsuhn
